Orthodoxy and Christianity do not shy away from speaking about relationships, love, and marriage. Yet the way the Orthodox Church approaches these topics is deeply different from the way modern society speaks about them.
In Orthodoxy, marriage is not merely a legal arrangement or an emotional attachment.
It is a holy mystery, a sacrament established by God for the salvation and sanctification of man and woman. This means that the Church cannot accept or bless any relationship that ignores the sacramental and spiritual foundation of marriage.
Premarital relationships, no matter how emotionally intense or culturally accepted, lack the essential grace that comes through God’s blessing. They are built on human desire and self-will rather than on the divine order given by the Creator.
The Holy Fathers and the Holy Scriptures speak clearly about this. When man takes into his own hands what God has reserved to bless, he acts from self-centeredness rather than from trust in God.
As Saint John Chrysostom teaches:
“When God is absent from the beginning, the foundation is sand, and the storm will carry it away.”
The Gift Of The Other In Christian Marriage
In the Orthodox understanding, marriage is not the result of man’s pursuit alone. It is a divine gift. As Saint Basil the Great says:
“The wife is given to the husband by God, and the husband is given to the wife by God.”
In the sacrament of marriage, the couple is crowned, and each becomes the “glory” and “crown” of the other. This is not simply a poetic idea but a reality that only exists when God Himself joins the two.
Premarital relationships attempt to claim this union without the sacrament. They say to God, “I will take this on my own terms.”
This removes the most important element of Christian marriage: the acknowledgment that love is not self-generated but given by God. As the Apostle Paul writes:
“What do you have that you did not receive?”
1 Corinthians 4:7
When we seek the other person without the blessing of God, we are telling Him we do not need His gift.
This, according to the Fathers, is the root of the problem: the ego places itself above God’s will.
Why God’s Blessing Is The Foundation Of A True Marriage
In Christianity, blessings are not mere formalities. They are the very channels of divine grace. The Lord Himself blessed the marriage at Cana of Galilee (John 2:1-11), showing that marriage is not complete without God’s participation.
When a couple unites without this blessing, their union rests on unstable ground. The Lord warns:
“Everyone who hears these sayings of Mine and does them is like a wise man who built his house on the rock”
Matthew 7:24)
The rock is obedience to God’s will; the sand is self-will and pride.
A marriage built on self-will can begin with passion, but passion fades. What remains afterward is either the grace of God or the emptiness of self-reliance.
Without grace, relationships quickly wither under life’s trials.
How Premarital Relationships Feed The Ego Instead Of Love
Orthodoxy teaches that true love is sacrificial. It places the other before oneself and it puts God before both.
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Premarital relationships, by their very nature, tend to serve personal satisfaction first.
When a couple enters into intimacy before marriage, they are effectively saying, “I will take what I want now, on my terms.”
This self-claiming attitude is the opposite of the humility needed for true Christian love. It makes the relationship fragile, because it is rooted in desire rather than covenant.
As Psalm 126:1 says:
“Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.”
The “house” of a relationship cannot stand if it is constructed by human passion without God’s grace.
The Spiritual Consequences Of Premarital Intimacy
Saint Paisios the Athonite often warned that sins against chastity damage the soul’s ability to love in a holy way. He said that when the soul becomes accustomed to taking what it wants without God’s blessing, it loses the ability to receive God’s gifts with gratitude.
Premarital intimacy is not simply “testing” a relationship; it reshapes the soul toward selfishness. It is a misuse of the gift of love that God gave for marriage.
Saint Ephraim the Syrian warns:
“When you take the gift outside of its time, you dishonor the Giver.”
The Apostle Paul writes:
“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits fornication sins against his own body”
1 Corinthians 6:18
The body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and to misuse it is to invite spiritual harm.
Maturity, Responsibility, And Christian Love
Many failed relationships are not destroyed by lack of feelings but by lack of maturity. Immaturity makes a person unable to commit, unable to endure difficulty, and unwilling to sacrifice for the other.
Orthodox Christianity teaches that love requires endurance. The Apostle Paul describes love as patient, kind, not self-seeking, and able to bear all things (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). These virtues are cultivated through prayer, humility, and obedience to God, not through trial-and-error romance.
Premarital relationships often expose a lack of readiness for marriage. When someone easily abandons one person for another, it reveals that their idea of love is based on excitement rather than commitment.
The Example Of Previous Generations
Older generations often entered marriage with a deep sense of its holiness. They might not have experienced intense romantic passion at first, but they understood marriage as a covenant before God. Over time, that covenant nurtured real, enduring love.
Today, many begin relationships with passion but without covenant. Without the anchor of God’s blessing, passion burns out quickly, and couples drift apart.
The stability of older Christian marriages came from viewing marriage as an act of obedience to God and an opportunity for mutual sanctification.
The Ego As The Root Of Relationship Failure
In both Orthodoxy and the lived experience of Christian life, ego is the greatest enemy of love. Ego resists sacrifice, avoids responsibility, and seeks personal comfort over the good of the other.
Premarital relationships often magnify this ego because they are started on personal terms rather than God’s.
When a couple says, “We will marry if this works for us,” they place conditions on love. But Christian marriage begins with unconditional commitment under God’s blessing. Without this surrender, love becomes a bargaining process instead of a holy union.
Waiting For God’s Time
Psalm 26:14 says:
“Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.”
The Orthodox Church urges the faithful to trust God’s timing. This is not simply to avoid sin but to allow love to grow in the soil of obedience and humility.
Saint Porphyrios of Kafsokalivia said:
“Do not hurry to take the gift before its time. In God’s time, the gift will be sweeter and stronger.”
Waiting for marriage is not about repression; it is about preparing the heart to receive love as God intended.
The Call To Purity In Christianity
Christianity does not speak about purity as an outdated rule but as a living path to holiness.
Purity before marriage keeps the heart free from wounds and the mind clear from regrets. It ensures that when a couple stands before God at their wedding, they bring a whole and undivided gift to one another.
In an age where premarital relationships are common, the Orthodox Christian witness is a light in darkness. It proclaims that love is sacred, that God is the source of all blessings, and that human desire must be transformed by divine grace to bear lasting fruit.
Explaining This To Little Children
When speaking to children, parents can say:
“God made marriage as a special gift where two people become one family with His blessing. Before marriage, we keep our hearts and bodies safe, like saving a special present for the right day. When we wait for God’s blessing, our love becomes stronger and happier, because God is part of it.”
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